


Secrets

by pcyjunguwudays



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, BYOT I guess, Fluff, Other, this took so long to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 21:16:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15590880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcyjunguwudays/pseuds/pcyjunguwudays
Summary: In which Johnny is forced to confront his problem head on.





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> -I literally wrote 3 drafts of this...  
> -It physically pained me, as a Brit, to write "Mom" :(  
> -This was based partly on some weird dream I had about two weeks ago oof  
> -MY ONE AND ONLY JOHNNY  
> -Bring Your Own Tissues? IG...

“Johnny hyung.” Silence. “Johnny hyung.” Still nothing. “Johnny!”

Johnny jumped, hands leaving the railing and clutching weakly at his chest. “Hey, Mark.”

“Johnny, what’s wrong?” Mark asked, stepping closer to Johnny. He leaned against the railing as well, the two of them looking over Seoul together through the large window. “You seem off lately.”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” Johnny swallowed hard, looking away from the younger. “Don’t worry.”

“You do know you can talk to us about anything, right?” Mark gently patted Johnny’s shoulder. “Come back to practice, hyung. You’ve been gone longer than you said you would be.”

Johnny nodded slowly and followed Mark back down to the practice room. His thoughts were racing quick and fast in his mind, diverting his attention to anything except practice. Mark’s soft advice played in his mind every once in a while, but the trouble was, he didn’t know how to tell him. He didn’t know how to voice his feelings. Feelings - he wasn’t good at dealing with those.

“You know what? I’m cutting practice for today,” Taeyong snapped, breaking away from the formation and yanking the cord out of his phone, bringing the music to an abrupt halt. “Johnny hyung, stay behind a minute. The rest of you, go home and shower.” The tone in his voice meant there was no room for arguing. The members filed out, murmuring quietly to themselves. Mark was the last to leave. He shot a concerned look at Johnny, who was looking down at his shoes quietly. Taeyong waited for the door to close before walking over to Johnny.

“Johnny,” he said softly. Johnny’s face crumpled. Taeyong wrapped his arms around the elder, his heart racing in fear. Johnny was the strongest person he knew, yet here he was, breaking down in his arms. Taeyong forced down the lump in his own throat and pulled Johnny down to the floor so he could be more comfortable. Johnny cried into Taeyong’s shoulder, his whole body shaking with repressed emotions. They sat there for a long time, Taeyong trying to sooth Johnny with soft murmurs and gentle strokes of his hair. 

Johnny sat up with a sniffle, removing his head from Taeyong’s shoulder. He rubbed his damp eyes, taking in a shaky breath. “You ok now?” Taeyong asked softly. Johnny nodded, keeping his eyes down. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was hoarse. “I just...I needed that.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Taeyong squeezed Johnny’s hand. Johnny took a deep breath and mustered up the energy for a small smile. 

“No. Thank you…” he cleared his throat. 

“It’s ok, man. It happens. It’s life.” Taeyong stood up and offered his hand to Johnny, who took it, hauling himself up. “If you want to talk later, you know I’ll always listen, right?” Johnny nodded. Taeyong grinned back. “Good. Now let’s go and shower. We stink.”

“Speak for yourself,” Johnny mumbled, and while it wasn’t full of the usual teasing tone he used, Taeyong laughed anyway, trying to keep the mood uplifted. The two of them left for the dorms quickly. Johnny took his time in the shower, letting the hot spray beat down on his tense muscles. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, his mind carrying him away again, and it wasn’t until there was a knock on the door that he realised the water had turned cold.

“Johnny? You in there?” Mark called. Johnny turned the water off, shivering a little. 

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“You gotta come and eat, Taeyong’s orders.” Johnny rolled his eyes and wrapped a towel around his waist before opening the door. “That was a long shower you had.”

“I had some things to think about.” 

“For an hour?” Mark raised an eyebrow. “Hyung, seriously. Are you sure everything’s ok?”

Johnny studied the younger for a moment. If anyone would understand, it would be Mark. “Can we talk now?” 

“Get dressed and eat first,” Mark told him. “I’ll be waiting in my bedroom.” Mark walked away into his and Doyoung’s room, and Johnny sighed. He dressed himself quickly and walked into the kitchen, seeing the plate of food on the table, steam gently rising from it. He sat down at the table and picked up his fork, but he truly wasn’t hungry. He poked experimentally at it a little, moving it around the plate. When he was satisfied that he’d taken long enough, he stood up, dumping the food before leaving the kitchen, guilt gnawing at his already-knotted stomach. 

He climbed the stairs and knocked on Mark and Doyoung’s door. Mark called him in and he entered, taking a seat on Mark’s bed while the younger sat at his desk, spinning in his chair. “So what’s up?” Mark asked Johnny as the elder made himself comfortable.

Johnny swallowed, wondering how to put this delicately. “Have you ever...don’t take this the wrong way,” he said quickly, “but have you ever wondered what it would be like if you left?”

“Huh?”

“Like…left us. Or have you ever thought about what life would be like if you;d never even debuted?”

“Why?” Mark asked curiously. Johnny pushed back the prickle of tears in his eyes. 

“Just answer. Please.”

Mark shrugged, swivelling in the chair slightly. “I mean...I guess I have. I think about it a lot. What if I hadn’t debuted? What if I didn’t rap? I’d still be living in Canada. Probably would have got a chance to go to university.” He sighed a little, and Johnny could hear the wistfulness in his voice. “I’d be studying, I dunno, sport psychology or something...mundane...like that. I’d be a normal kid. Go out whenever I wanted to, I’d be able to, you know, have a girlfriend, have loud parties, I’d be able to have a normal job and get into fights with my parents and do whatever else normal people to. It sounds nice.” 

Mark turned to Johnny, a serious look in his eyes. “But then, I think of you. I think of you and Taeil and Taeyong and Haechan and Jeno and Jisung and Jaehyun and Lucas and all of our other members. I think about each and every single one of you. And I realise that I’m happy where I am. I’m happy to be around all of you. I’m happy doing what I do, and a lot of it is down to being with you guys. You’re all so funny and nice and sweet and talented. And I realise that this is where I want to be, this is where I was born to be. I wasn’t born to be a performer, in no way - that’s just an added bonus to all of this. You guys are the best friends and brothers I ever wanted. So yeah, while I do think about what could have been...there’s no way I’d want to leave.”

“Mark...I…” Johnny swallowed, closing his eyes. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t...I just…” 

“What?” Mark couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Performing. This. Being part of this. I...I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.”

“Johnny? Johnny, what the hell? What’s brought this on?”

“For a start, I’m not talented,” Johnny replied, ignoring Mark. His eyes were still closed, but he could feel the intensity of Mark’s gaze on his face. “I can’t dance. I can’t sing. I can’t rap. I’m not good looking like you or Taeyong or Jaehyun or literally every other member. I can’t dance like Ten can. I can’t sing like Haechan or Chenle or Doyoung. All I’m useful for is translating, and even then, there’s you and Jae and Ten to speak English. If I wasn’t here, there would be no difference to the group. I don’t have any fans, either. Everything online is about all the other members. Fans don’t come to see me. They come for you lot. It would be better off if I leave.” Johnny took a deep breath. He didn’t know what he was saying anymore. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell Mark the truth, either.

“Johnny, shut up,” Mark snapped. Johnny’s eyes popped open to see Mark standing in front of him, his hands balled into fists. “First of all, don’t you even think about leaving. Do you not remember the pact that we all made?! None of us will ever go anywhere, and I can’t believe that thought even crossed your mind!”

“Mark, I-”

“No, I don’t want to hear it,” Mark snapped. “You’re-” a shuffle at the door cut him off. Johnny’s eyes widened and he scrambled off the bed, ignoring his pounding headache. He yanked the door open, but there was nobody there. He slowly shut the door and turned around to see Mark waiting for him. “You’re truly an idiot, Youngho.” He stormed past Johnny and walked out, slamming the door behind him. Johnny stayed rooted to the spot. That wasn’t how he had pictured the conversation would go. He hadn’t realised Mark would react so badly. Telling him that was a mistake. Johnny stumbled out of the room and managed to get to his own before his legs gave out. Johnny slid to the floor weakly, his knees pulled up to his chest.  _ Fuck _ , he was so stupid!

He sat there for a long time, numb from what had happened. The conversation replayed in his head over and over again. He hadn’t gotten a chance to explain what he really meant. He should’ve told Mark why. His thoughts swirled over and over in his head, fighting with each other for Johnny’s attention, but to him, they were all a blur. His heart rate increased - suddenly he couldn’t breathe. 

Johnny clawed weakly at his chest, falling flat onto the floor as tears escaped from his eyes. He didn’t know why he was feeling like this...so hopeless, so lost. It wasn’t that big of a deal...was it? He didn’t know why he was so weak. He didn’t know...he just didn’t know. 

**********

“Are you sure?” Doyoung asked, his eyes wide. Jaehyun nodded, glancing between Doyoung, Taeil and Yuta.

“He definitely said that he wants to leave, I heard it with my own two ears.” Yuta’s gaze flicked towards Johnny, where the elder stood near the door, a distant look on his face. He watched as Johnny’s phone rang and he jumped, glancing down at it. Johnny’s eyes darted around, and Yuta turned away for a moment. When he looked back, Johnny was gone. 

“I can’t believe him,” Taeil hissed. Yuta blinked. He’d never seen Taeil this angry before. “He...he promised!”

“Keep your voice down,” Yuta told him, but it was too late. 

“What are you lot whispering about? Come and talk to us,” Taeyong called. The four of them exchanged glances, and Jaehyun nodded as they went to sit down. 

“Mark, tell them about Johnny,” Jaehyun called to him. Mark’s expression immediately darkened, which did not go unnoticed by the rest of the members. 

“What do you know about Johnny?” Mark replied.

“I know what I heard.”

“So you were eavesdropping.” 

“Actually, he went to grab my phone for me,” Doyoung cut in. “But...things happened. And he heard something. Maybe he was wrong, so clarify for us, please.”

“What is going on?” Taeyong questioned. Mark held Jaehyun’s gaze for a moment before sighing. 

“What Jaehyun hyung heard was true.”

“What did he hear, exactly?” The impatience did not go undetected in Taeyong’s voice. 

“Johnny wants to leave the group.” The silence was palpable.

“No, this has to be a mistake,” Donghyuck was the first to speak up. “He can’t! Johnny hyung…”

“Your precious Johnny hyung all but admitted it to me yesterday,” Mark snapped at Donghyuck. “He had the audacity to sit in front of me and ask me if I’d ever thought about leaving, or what life would be like if I hadn’t debuted, and then he proceeded to spout all of this bullshit about not being talented enough for the group. For God’s sake, if he wanted to leave, he didn’t have to pull up some lame as fuck excuses!”

“Stop swearing, Mark,” Donghyuck snapped back. “I was just saying...that isn’t like Johnny hyung.”

“So you’re saying you support him?!”

“What I’m saying is that if he wants to leave, we can’t force him to stay! And anyway, maybe it was a misunderstanding, maybe you all thought wrong. Maybe-”

“Maybe nothing! I know what I heard, I’m not stupid,” Mark snarled.  

“Guys!” Winwin called. “Stop it! If Johnny really wants to leave, then he has to talk to us on his terms.”

“I don’t want anything more to do with him, as far as I’m concerned.” Everyone’s heads turned towards Taeyong. “If he wants to leave, then he’s gone. I don’t care anymore.”

“Guys, please…”

“You started this, Jaehyun,” Mark turned on Jaehyun. “Couldn’t keep something to yourself for one minute, could you?!”

“Mark, it would have come out anyway!” Jaehyun snapped. “It’s better that it’s out in the open now than later when more damage could have been caused.”

“Jaehyun’s right,” Yuta patted Mark’s leg. “At least now we don’t have to pretend around him.” He stood up first, and the group dispersed once more, taking five more minutes for their break.

Yuta still couldn’t believe what he had heard. Now that he thought about it, Johnny had been acting weird lately. It had been a few days, and everytime Yuta looked up, Johnny was either sitting away from the others or outside on his phone. To make matters worse, Yuta had overheard him talking on the phone one day by accident, and the words “leaving” and “serious” had cropped up more than once. Yuta’s English wasn’t great, but he knew enough to know what it meant. He kept it to himself, believing it to be something trivial but now, combined with Jaehyun’s words, he knew it was serious. Johnny’s behaviour was making him angry now. If Johnny was going to leave, why didn’t he talk to the team about it? He couldn’t believe that Johnny was acting like this.

Johnny was one of the most soft-hearted people he knew. Johnny was happy here. It was clear in how he acted on a day-to-day basis. He loved being around the members, and he loved the performing and singing and dancing and his radio show, and all of the other benefits that came with his lifestyle. So why would he suddenly be leaving?

A memory came flooding back to him from just a few weeks earlier, right before their Weekly Idol appearance. All the members were gathered in their practice room, and that was when they’d made their famous pact. Their promise. Out of the eighteen of them, nobody would leave. None of them would think about leaving. They were a team, now and always. They’d made this promise hundreds of times before, but this time, it felt real. With all the members in one room and saying it all together, it felt more tangible. It felt safe. It felt like a family.

And now Johnny was considering tearing this family apart.

**********

Winwin watched closely as Yuta’s eyes followed Johnny. Taeyong had called an end to the practice two hours later. The tension in the room had been palpable, but luckily for the members, Johnny hadn’t seemed to notice anything. Mark and Donghyuck were not talking, having not had the chance to resolve their little argument. And it seemed like most of the members were giving Johnny a wide berth. In particular, despite his calm manner when they’d talked earlier, Yuta was anger-filled. Winwin could see it in his posture. 

Johnny slipped out through the door, and Winwin took the opportunity. “Yuta.” Winwin tapped his arm, dragging his attention away from the closing door. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” Yuta snapped, more forcefully than he’d intended to. He was angry now. “Sorry.” He sighed. “It’s...nothing.”

“It’s about Johnny hyung, isn’t it? I’m not stupid.” Yuta remained silent. “Yuta, come on, you’re my best friend. You can’t hide anything from me. Come on, talk to me.” Yuta sighed, leading Winwin over to the window. 

“You can’t tell anyone this, ok?” he warned, and Winwin nodded seriously as he hopped onto the window sill to listen. “Ok so...a few days ago, you know, back when Johnny started acting really weird, I went out to refill my water bottle. And I overheard Johnny on the phone. He was talking in English, and you know my English isn’t good, but I’m sure of what I heard.”

“And what exactly did you hear?” Winwin prompted impatiently.

“He mentioned a couple of words. The main one being that he was “leaving”,” Yuta said the word with air quotations. “I didn’t want to say anything. I hoped that I was wrong, that I’d interpreted it wrong. But from what Mark and Jaehyun told us today...I don’t think I was wrong. He’s really leaving, and I’m mad.”

“Yuta…” Winwin didn’t know what to say. He just sighed, turning to look at the other members. “I’m hoping that this is all one big misunderstanding.” Yuta didn’t respond, and the two of them sat there in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

**********

Johnny huddled in the stairway, away from prying eyes. He didn’t want Mark or anyone else finding him here. His hands were shaking around his phone, waiting for the phone to ring. Just as he had that thought, his phone blinked at him, vibrating. “Hello, hyung?” he answered straight away, bringing the phone to his ear. “Is everything ok?”

“Johnny,” his cousin replied, his voice heavy. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, don’t...worry,” Johnny murmured, taking in a deep breath. “Talk to me. What happened?”

“They’ve...they’ve put your mother down for an emergency surgery.” Johnny swallowed hard as his cousin’s words washed over him. “She went in about an hour and a half ago...I’m sorry that I didn’t contact you before.”

“Is...is it that bad?” he forced out. He never thought a small tumour could escalate so quickly into something huge. It had only been six months.

“Johnny, don’t worry. Aunt is a strong woman. But...just pray. Pray that she’ll recover.”

“I want to come home,” Johnny whispered.

“Stay strong, bro. Your mother will be fine. Hang in there, ok?” his cousin told him. “I’ll keep you updated.” Johnny took in a shaky breath, but that didn’t stop the tears. “I have to go now, Johnny. Take care.” His cousin hung up, and Johnny blinked back rapidly, trying to stop the tears from flowing. The days of exhaustion and stress and not eating or sleeping well were starting to catch up him. He stood up, trying to force himself to stop crying. He had to be strong. Crying would be of no use to either him or his mother. 

He took a step forwards, but the staircase lurched under him. He didn’t have time to catch himself; suddenly, he was tumbling down the stairs as his ankle twisted. He smacked his head painfully on the corner of the wall. His eyes watered as he sat up. He could feel the lump growing on his head, throbbing through his whole head. He picked up his phone; luckily it was still intact. The time showed that the members would be getting ready to leave, and he knew he had to get back. His whole body shook as he stood up, trembling from fear and anxiety. 

Slowly, he limped his way back to the practice room, feeling every nerve in his body come alight with pain. It took him six minutes to reach the practice room, where he saw all the members gathered. He swallowed hard. His face felt so hot; he tried to fan himself with his hand to cool down a little, but it didn’t seem to work. He pulled open the door, walking inside slowly. He held onto the door frame as all eyes turned to him.

Yuta jumped up immediately, stalking towards him. “Where were you?!” he snapped. Winwin hopped off the window sill and hurried forwards. 

“Yuta-” he tried, but Yuta held up a hand, his back facing the other members. Johnny slowly shut the door and turned back to face Yuta.

“I lost track of time. I'm sorry.”

“Our Japanese debut is in two weeks! Do you not understand how important this is? What’s gotten into you, hmm?” Yuta snapped, anger flooding his body. He shook off Winwin’s hand from his arm and moved forwards, getting closer to Johnny. “How can you lose track of time? And not just once, but this is the second or third time today! And countless times this week! Where do you keep running off to, huh? Why don’t you come and sit with us anymore? Why don’t you talk to us? Do you hate us all that much?! Is that why you want to leave?!”

Yuta was screaming at this point, pouring out all of his anger at Johnny. Johnny stayed silent, his head bowed as he listened to Yuta’s tirade. His head was aching, and he felt clammy, but he stood there resolutely. “Well, hyung?” Donghyuck was the first to speak, though his voice trembled. “Do you really want to leave?”

Mark squeezed Donghyuck’s hand for reassurance, the two of them staring at Johnny. Johnny met Mark’s gaze; it was unreadable. He swallowed hard, looking around at all of the members. Each of them had the same, betrayed look on their faces. “Hyuck, I…” Johnny’s answer was cut off by his phone ringing. He frowned and raised it to answer, but Yuta snatched it out of his hand. “Yuta! No, please…” Yuta stepped away from Johnny, holding the phone out away where Johnny couldn’t reach it. The phone’s incessant ringing continued. “Yuta, please, I need it,” he begged. “Please!”

The desperation in Johnny’s voice startled the members; he sounded almost broken. Yuta almost would have fallen for the display, had he not known of Johnny’s superb acting abilities.

“Answer my question, Johnny,” Yuta growled as the phone started ringing again. Johnny’s eyes teared up.

“I will, I’ll explain, I swear, just, please, give it to me,” Johnny whispered. He tried to reach for it, but Yuta stepped further away, and pain shot through Johnny’s shoulder from the movement.  He groaned, clutching his shoulder.

“Yuta, stop it,” Winwin warned, stepping forwards again, visibly concerned. Johnny was shaking, and he could see tears in the older man’s eyes. Something was seriously wrong with Johnny.

“When he answers my question, he can get his damn phone back.” Yuta stepped further away, keeping the phone well out of reach of Johnny. 

“If you want to leave, then get out of here and don’t come back,” Taeyong spoke up, coming to stand near them. “Just answer the damn question. Do you want to leave or not?”

Johnny stayed rooted to the spot, shaking with fear and worry and stress. He felt nauseous; why was his cousin calling him again? It had only been two hours since she’d been put into the surgery, had something happened? He needed to know, but Yuta...damn Yuta. He put out a shaking hand, towards Yuta’s arm. “Johnny,” Yuta said lowly. “Tell us.”

“Yuta! Look at him! He’s-”

“My mother! She’s in the hospital! She’s dying!” The words ripped out of Johnny’s throat, shocking the members. He lunged forward, gripping Yuta tightly by the shirt. “She’s dying and I’m stuck here and that...that phone is the only way I know if she’s ok,” he gasped out at Yuta. Yuta’s eyes widened with shock. Slowly, he handed over the phone and disentangled Johnny’s arm from his shirt, gripping it tightly with his two hands. The ringing had finally stopped, displaying four missed calls. 

“Johnny, I-”

“M-mom..” Johnny whispered, clutching the phone. “Please, no…” His voice wavered. “Mama, please…” the tears came free, and he fell half to his knees. Yuta dropped down near him, putting his free arm around Johnny. The members all came forward too, putting their hands on Johnny’s shoulders, trying to offer comfort.

Johnny was scared. He didn’t want to pick up the call. He didn’t want to hear the news. He didn’t want to know that his mother was gone. He didn’t know if he could handle it. So he did the only thing he could do; he cried. He sobbed into Yuta’s chest, soaking his shirt. His head was throbbing, and panic was fast rising in him; his mother was alive, she was alive, she was alive…

“Johnny…”

“Stop!” Johnny lashed out with an arm, suddenly overwhelmed. Yuta fell back from the force, but he seemed to be expecting it. What nobody was expecting was Johnny’s phone to go flying from his fingers, skidding across the floor and smashing into the mirror. “N-no!” Johnny gasped. He stood up, stumbling and sliding across the floor. He dropped to his knees, picking up the phone with shaking hands. The screen was cracked; there was no way it would turn on. “No!” he screamed. “Hyung, please! Tell me, is she ok?!” Johnny knew he seemed psycho, but he didn’t care. If his mother wasn’t ok, then that was it. His fingers swiped across the screen again and again and again, but it remained switched off. “Hyung…” 

“Hyung, stop it,” Mark ran forward as Johnny stood up, still swiping his fingers across the glass. Blood dripped onto the floor, but Johnny didn’t care. Mark tried to grab the phone from Johnny’s hand, but he refused to let go of the phone. 

“Johnny hyung, you can use my phone,” Jaehyun offered, turning to take his phone out of his back pocket. 

“Mom…” Johnny’s eyes rolled to the back of his head. 

“Hyung!” Doyoung ran forwards, trying to catch Johnny, but it was too late. Mark and Jaehyun reacted too late, and Johnny crashed into the floor, smacking his head painfully against the wall. “Shit!” Doyoung cursed. He kneeled down next to Johnny, cautiously touching his face. “He has a fever.”

“Look, is that blood?” Winwin asked, pointing to the floor. 

“He cut his fingers, Sicheng.”

“No, look, near his head,” Winwin gently lifted up Johnny’s head to show a huge bloodstain on the floor, one that was slowly getting bigger and bigger.

“Yuta hyung, we need ice water and towels,” Mark ordered. Yuta didn’t move. “YUTA HYUNG!” Yuta jumped. “For God’s sake! Ice water and towels!” Mark yelled, losing his temper. Yuta scrambled up and stumbled out of the room, his eye wide with fear. Yuta came back five minutes later and handed the requested items to Doyoung. 

“Johnny hyung’s gonna die!” Donghyuck wailed, clutching onto Mark’s arm.

“Donghyuck, nobody is going to die!” Taeyong snapped. “Mark, take Hyuck and go and get the manager. Jae, call an ambulance, and the rest of you, move back and give him some space in case he comes round. Move it!” 

Doyoung and Winwin stayed near Johnny while everyone else dispersed. Taeyong motioned to Taeil, and the two of the wandered over to Yuta, who sat still in the spot where Johnny had pushed him away. His eyes were open in disbelief, unable to comprehend what had happened. “Yuta.”

“I...I did this,” Yuta said hoarsely, his eyes flicking from Johnny to Taeyong and then back again. 

“No, you didn’t,” Taeil said firmly. “He was already stressed. He was bound to become overwhelmed at some point. Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault.” 

“It really isn’t your fault,” Taeyongl added. “It’s ours, we all misread the situation.” Taeil was about to say more, but spotting the manager rushing in, he left, nodding at Yuta. Taeyong held out a hand to Yuta. “Now, come on. Get up, and let’s be strong for the others.” He pointedly looked over at Mark and Donghyuck, who were both standing to the side, unsure of what to do. Donghyuck looked close to panic, the first time anyone had ever seen him that scared. Yuta took Taeyong’s offered hand and stood up, sighing. 

Taeil stood to the side, talking quietly to their manager. The manager glanced over at Johnny, and seeing that Doyoung had everything under control, wandered over to Mark and Donghyuck. “I’m sorry,” their manager mumbled, watching as Winwin and Doyoung gently cleaned Johnny’s head and fingers, all the while relaying information to Jaehyun who was talking to the paramedics on the phone. 

“Sorry for what?” Mark asked, having heard the remark as he was standing closest to the manager. Donghyuck tore his eyes away from the four boys and listened to them talking. 

“I knew about this and I didn’t tell you. It’s my fault he’s like this, so...I’m sorry.” He bowed his head. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” Yuta exclaimed. 

“Yuta!” Taeyong snapped. “Be respectful!”

“It’s ok, Taeyong,” the manager sighed. “It’s ok. I...Johnny told me not to say. He didn’t want anyone to worry. He wanted to go home but I couldn’t let him. Not this close to your comeback. If his mother got worse, then we would have considered it, but I couldn’t...the loss to the company…”

“And I accused him of wanting to leave the group,” Yuta breathed. “I’m so-” He didn’t finish his sentence, instead choosing to run, a hand clapped over his mouth. Mark shook his head in alarm. He was about to run after Yuta, but Donghyuck stopped him. “I’m going to talk to Yuta hyung.” Donghyuck filed past them and left.

“I’m going to go and see if they need help, then.” Mark left Taeyong alone with the manager and walked towards Doyoung. He was about to kneel down when he noticed something else. “Doyoung hyung?”

“Hmm?” 

“Johnny’s ankle is swollen.” Doyoung glanced down towards Johnny’s foot, and Mark pulled up his trouser leg further. Doyoung sighed and relayed the information back to the people on the phone. He motioned for Jaehyun to cover the speaker for a second.

“Do you think he fell somewhere?”

“That would explain the head injury…” Doyoung was doubtful. “But he wasn’t gone for long. Where could he have fallen? And if his head is bleeding that much, surely it would be enough to knock him out the first time?”

“I don’t know…” Mark looked down. “But it didn’t start bleeding until he hit it the second time.”

“Yeah but he has long hair, you never- He’s stopped breathing,” Doyoung’s voice carried across the practice room, silencing everyone. Mark swore. Jaehyun handed Doyoung the phone immediately. “I will - oh. It’s ok. Thank you.”

“Thank you?!” Mark exclaimed. “What the hell do you mean, thank you?! He’s not breathing!”

“The paramedics are here, calm down,” Doyoung told Mark, glancing at the door. The noise in the room momentarily increased as three paramedics rushed inside. Doyoung and Mark were pushed back as the manager moved forward to talk to the paramedic.

Jaehyun sighed in relief as they began treating him. “I’m an idiot. Fuck…”

“Yes, you are,” Doyoung growled in irritation. 

“Can we not play the blame game right now?” Winwin snapped, rubbing a hand over his face. “We’re all at fault here. But we’ll have plenty of time to throw accusations around, it can wait for Johnny hyung to recover, ok?”

Jaehyun’s phone rang suddenly, and he glanced down, noting the unknown number. “Hello?” 

“Is now the time to be talking on the phone?” Doyoung hissed at him, but Jaehyun held up a hand, his eyebrows furrowed.

“It is, who’s asking?” Jaehyun continued. “Uh...oh. I think you should talk to Mark. No..” Jaehyun laughed nervously. “My English…” He awkwardly handed Mark the phone. “It’s Johnny’s cousin from America.” 

“So why couldn’t you talk?” Mark hissed, covering the speaker as he took the phone. Jaehyun shrugged helplessly.

“Talk,” Doyoung told him, and Mark took a deep breath, plastering a fake smile on his face to try and lighten up his tone of voice.

“Hello, hyung,” Mark greeted the older boy, stepping away from the group. “How are you?”

“I’m good, Mark, how are you? Long time no talk.”

“I’m ok, thank you. How can I help?”

“I just wanted to ask you where Johnny is. Also, why didn’t Jae just talk?” his cousin asked with a little laugh.

“Jaehyun’s English gets bad when he gets nervous,” Mark rolled his eyes at Jaehyun, who shrank back. “And Johnny hyung...” Mark swallowed, looking at the group. Doyoung frantically pointed at the manager. “Johnny hyung is talking to the manager right now, and his phone ran out of battery. Why?”

“Could you tell him that his mother’s surgery went well? It was quicker than they said it would be, so I just called Johnny to let him know.”

“S-surgery?” 

“Yeah...did you not know?” his cousin asked.

“Oh, no, we did know,” Mark said hastily. “Yeah, sorry. I thought I heard wrong.”

“No worries. And tell him to call me back as soon as he can, ok?” 

“I will do. Thank you, hyung.”

“Thank you, Mark. Take care.” His cousin hung up, and Mark’s shoulders sagged. 

“Well, fuck.” He headed back over to the group where all of the members now waited. “His mother was having surgery in America. That’s why he wanted to go home. He wanted to...to be there.” He pushed back his own tears. “We got this so badly wrong.” 

All of the members turned to watch as Johnny was loaded onto a stretcher, blood still trickling slowly down his neck, an oxygen mask fitted to his face. They could do nothing except stay away as he was wheeled away. They could do nothing except stay away as he was carried away. They could do nothing except wait. 

**********

“Mom!” Johnny sat up with a gasp, his breath coming in short bursts. The bright light hurt his eyes and he screwed them up. His head started to pound, and he felt dizzy from sitting up so quick. A beeping noise started, filling up the room, and Johnny groaned, ducking his head and burying it in his knees. Someone opened the door, but Johnny refused to look up. He could hear them fiddling with something, and then the beeping stopped.

“Mr Seo.” Johnny slowly raised his head opened his eyes. An unfamiliar person was standing above him. “How are you feeling?”

“Where am I?” Johnny mumbled.

“Hospital.” Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed. What the hell was he doing in the hospital?

“This is a mistake, I need to go…” He started to get up, but the man put a hand on Johnny’s shoulder. 

“Mr Seo, please. You need to stay.”

“No, I need to...practice?” It came out as a question.

“You’ve been injured, Mr Seo. You fell and hit your head, more than once if what your group members say is true. I’m concerned that you may have a concussion. You’ve got a slight fever, and bruises on your arms, chest, back and your right shoulder. Your ankle is also sprained. You’ve cut your fingers, too.You’re malnourished and dehydrated.” No wonder he was hurting all over. Johnny sat back reluctantly, his face darkening at the mention of his members. Some members they turned out to be. He didn’t know why he suddenly hated his members - he was confused. But he didn’t have time to ponder over it as his doctor continued talking. “I’m Doctor Choi Seungho. You can call me Seung, or Doctor Choi, whatever you prefer.” 

Johnny watched as Doctor Choi messed around with the machine on his side, and looking down at his arms, he saw he had a needle in his left hand connected to an empty IV drop. On his right side, there was a clip on finger. Slowly, he detached the clip, and the machine beeped loudly. Quickly, he put it back in place, and Doctor Choi laughed. “Quite inquisitive, aren’t you?”

“Well you would be too, if you don’t remember why you’re here,” Johnny shot back, causing the doctor to laugh a little. He winced as the doctor removed the needle from his hand and put a plaster over the small wound.

“Mr Seo, what is the last thing you remember?”

Johnny stared up at the doctor as he began to unwrap the bandage around Johnny’s head. “Um…” he thought hard. “I was talking to...my members.”

“About what?”

Johnny winced as the fresh bandage went on. “Um...I don’t know.” He furrowed his brow and closed his eyes, trying to remember. “I...oh.” The memory came flooding back to him. The betrayed look on his members’ faces. Exactly why he was mad at them. 

“Don’t strain yourself, Mr Seo,” Doctor Choi said, stepping back from securing the bandage. “If you can’t remember, it’s ok.” 

“Ok,” Johnny sighed, glad at the doctor’s interruption. He didn’t want to deal with it out loud just yet. The doctor unwrapped the bandages on his hand and applied a balm before re-wrapping it.

“I need to check on the bruises, and also your heart rate, so if you wouldn’t mind, could you remove the gown?”

For the first time, Johnny realised he wasn’t in his own clothes. Sighing, he removed the gown, wincing at the pain in his shoulder and head at the movement. He shivered. It really was cold in here. The doctor took a few minutes to check his body over as well as his ankle, before pronouncing him healthy. “Uh, Doctor, how long have I been here? And when can I leave?”

“This is your second day, you were admitted yesterday,” the doctor told him. “You’ve been unconscious the whole time, so I’d like to keep you in another day just to be on the safe side. I can’t have you leaving and then fainting again, my reputation will be ruined!” He laughed, and Johnny forced a smile. “The good news is that your head injury looked worse than it really was.” He paused for a moment, taking a seat next to Johnny’s bed. Johnny pulled the gown back over his head, starting to shake a little more. “Put that blanket on you,” the doctor told him.

“Okay,” Johnny mumbled. He grabbed the thin material with shaking and wrapping it around himself, pulling his legs up close to try and be as small as possible. It was freezing.

“I won’t take too much more of your time, I promise. Your members are waiting for you, and I’m sure you’re hungry as well.” Johnny nodded a little, wincing again, and as if on cue, a nurse entered with a breakfast tray and painkillers. “I need you to eat while I fill out some paperwork, and then I need to ask you a few questions.” Johnny took a piece of toast and nibbled on it, watching the doctor as he scribbled out various bits of information.

In truth, Johnny really wasn’t hungry. He was angry, actually, at his members. It was their fault that he was here. Their comeback was in two weeks time, and if he didn’t heal in time, then he couldn’t participate. If only they’d left him alone and not pressured him to talk, then maybe he could be there. He wouldn’t be so angry at them.

“Mr Seo.” The doctor’s voice pulled him out of his reverie. “You need to eat more.”

“Please. I’m not hungry.” Johnny didn’t have the energy to argue anymore. Doctor Choi frowned, but held out the painkillers anyway. 

“I’m letting you off for now, but later, I expect you to eat some more.” He waited for Johnny to down the pills before speaking. “I need you to tell me how exactly you got these injuries, please. It needs to go on your record.” Johnny sighed. 

“I went for a walk while we had a break during practice,” he began. “And I was running late. I tripped and fell down the stairs, and then when I got back to practice, I...overworked myself, I think. I fainted.”

“Part of this is due to exhaustion, no?” the doctor prompted gently.

Johnny shrugged. “I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m nervous. I don’t know how much you know about NCT, but we’re having our Japanese debut in two weeks time. There’s a lot of pressure there, getting the language right and stuff.” He edged around the real reason for what had happened. “Everything just built up.” He felt angry tears prickling in his eyes, and he looked away from the doctor. 

“And your fingers?”

“I broke my phone.” At least that part wasn’t a lie. “I must have cut them open while trying to get it to work.” Doctor Choi patted his shoulder as he finished making notes.

“Thank you, Mr Seo.” He stood up. “I’ll prescribe painkillers and sleeping pills for you, then. The painkillers, you’ll have to take once every four hours. The sleeping pills, you need to take them once before you sleep. They’ll give you a full night’s rest, so eight hours,” the doctor told him sternly. “I know what the idol life is like, but you’re going to have no choice in the matter. I’ll be speaking to your manager about this also, so don’t try and get out of it. If you want to recover fast, this is your only option.” 

Johnny nodded again, not in the mood to fight. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for your time, Mr Seo. I’ll send your friends in a few at a time, they’re all waiting to see you. And then you need rest after that, ok?”

Johnny really didn’t want to see them. But he nodded anyway as the doctor left, sighing. He lay down on his side, curled up to try and keep warm. His ankle throbbed painfully, and every movement hurt his back and his shoulders, not to mention the massive headache he had. His throat was dry, and all he could think about was his mother. He closed his eyes tightly, ignoring the stinging of tears in his eyes. 

“Johnny hyung.” It was Mark. Johnny stiffened for a moment before forcing himself to relax. “Hyung, I know you’re awake. Please look at me.” Johnny hesitated for a moment before opening his eyes. He shivered again, and he heard Mark unzipping his jacket before draping it over him. Johnny wanted to throw it off, to scream and yell at Mark, but he was too cold. So he settled for the warmth of the jacket, letting it seep into his bones. He slowly sat up, leaning back against the pillows and dragging his legs up to his chest again, and Mark adjusted his jacket around Johnny. He could see Jaehyun standing to the side, not moving, not speaking. “Hyung, we want to apologise.”

Johnny finally looked at Mark. The younger looked nervous, and as soon as Johnny made eye contact with him, he looked down at his feet, shuffling them from side to side. “And?” he asked emotionlessly. 

“And...I just...I’m sorry for taking so long to realise you were hurting. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to everything you had to say.”

“And I’m sorry for telling everyone the baseless things that I’d heard.” Johnny turned his sharp gaze on Jaehyun, who flinched a little. He wasn’t used to seeing the ever-charismatic Johnny looking so cold. 

“So it was you who was eavesdropping then?” 

Jaehyun grimaced. “I...didn’t mean to.”

“I bet you didn’t mean for me to end up here, either.” Johnny looked away. “Leave. Both of you. Now.” They both didn’t move. “GO! And take your jacket,” Johnny spat, yanking it off of him and thrusting it at Mark.

“Hyung, please. We really are sorry.” Mark gently took the jacket from him and opened the door. “I hope you get well soon.”

**********

“You two came back quickly,” Doyoung remarked as Jaehyun and Mark re-entered the waiting room. 

“He’s pissed at all of us,” Mark told everyone. “Or at least, the 127 members. I don’t think he wants to see any of us right now.”

“Maybe we can try Kun? Or Ten? Ten always knows how to get through to Johnny,” Yuta suggested. 

“The four of us will go,” Jungwoo motioned to Lucas, Kun, Ten and himself. “I guess we’re the only ones he isn’t pissed at, aside from the kids.” He glared at the group. “You lot really messed up, you know that?”

“We know, there’s no need to rub it in,” Jaehyun snapped. “We’re only humans, we make mistakes.”

“Jaehyun,” Kun said warningly. “Please.” Jaehyun sighed, rubbing a hand across his face. “You lot keep an eye on the kids. We’ll be back soon.” Kun left the waiting room first, and the other three followed quickly. The door swung shut behind them.

“Mark hyung.” Donghyuck shuffled over as Mark came over. “Is..is Johnny hyung mad at me, too?”

“I...I don’t know,” Mark admitted. He quietly explained their brief encounter, and Donghyuck sighed. “I’m sorry for yelling at you, Hyuck.”

“You’re lucky that I’m too worried about Johnny hyung to be angry at you.” Mark let out a small laugh at that. “Next time, give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Especially Johnny hyung. He’s the softest person I know. He’d be the last person to try and do something like that behind our backs.” Donghyuck stood up and headed over to the corner, where Jisung, Chenle, Jaemin, Jeno and Renjun were dancing. Mark watched as he joined the formation seamlessly, slotting directly into his place. The kids were doing great. Mark rubbed a hand over his face, copying Jaehyun’s earlier movement. They really had messed up.

**********

“Hyung.” Johnny was prepared this time, and through chattering teeth, he gave his response.

“Fuck off, Yuta. I don’t want to see you.”

“It’s Ten, actually.” Johnny’s mouth dropped open in surprise, and he looked up to see Lucas, Jungwoo, Kun and Ten standing in front of him, with the latter’s arms folded across his chest.

“O-oh.” Johnny cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. Sit down, guys.” His tone was noticeably warmer.

“Hyung, you’re not mad at us, are you?” Lucas asked, his expression unusually serious. Johnny shook his head, shaking a little. Jungwoo nudged Lucas, and like Mark did earlier, Lucas took off his jacket, wrapping it around Johnny. “You’re so cold, man.”

“It’s bloody freezing in here,” Johnny muttered. “Thanks.” 

“It’s the middle of summer…” Kun put a hand on Johnny’s forehead. “You’re still burning up.”

“I'm not mad at you guys. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Johnny looked between the four of them. “Unless you knew what they were thinking and didn’t tell me.”

“I can assure you that we didn’t know anything until we got here an hour ago,” Ten told him, punching his arm. Johnny groaned, and Kun slapped the back of Ten’s head.

“He’s ill, stop it!”

“How did you find out?”

“We got back last night from Busan,” Jungwoo explained, glancing at the others. “Ten found Donghyuck crying this morning in the dormitory by himself. That’s when we realised that none of you were around, because usually Yuta hyung or Taeyong hyung bring us breakfast after we go on a trip.”

“I snuck into your dorm,” Lucas said proudly, puffing out his chest. “And none of the beds looked slept in. I ran into Manager hyung on my way out. I thought he would shout at me for being there, but he just looked exhausted, so I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that you’d fainted and that you were in the hospital.” Johnny shifted uncomfortably.

“I swear I’ve never been so angry at our members before,” Ten snarled. “Hyuck told me the whole story. By the way, both Winwin and Hyuck supported you the whole way,” he added. “So at least don’t be an ass towards them.” 

“Anyway,” Kun continued. “We managed to calm Hyuck down and find out where everyone was, and then Manager hyung said that he’d bring us here because everyone else was here. And then we spoke to the other members to find out what happened, just in case Hyuck’s version was wrong. It was not,” he confirmed. “And yeah. Now we’re here.”

“Do I have the right to be angry at them?” Johnny asked them. “I mean...I kept my secret from them for so long. If anything, they have the right to be angry at me.”

“I mean…” Jungwoo sighed. “If I was in your position, I wouldn’t have told my members either. I would have eventually, but not right then. I don’t think you did anything wrong, if I’m honest. But then again, trust goes both ways...maybe you should have said something to one of them, like Mark. Mark did talk to you, but he said you said something about leaving, no?”

“I did,” Johnny admitted. His headache was starting up again, and he winced. “Um...because I didn’t know where to start. I was getting to it. I was so close to telling him, but then we heard someone snooping at the door, who later turned out to be Jaehyun, and then Mark got really mad at me.” Neither of the four boys missed the way Johnny uttered Mark’s and Jaehyun’s names, as if they were poison. “You know the rest.”

“We should go now, you need to get some rest,” Kun stood up first. “Come on, guys. Do you want to see the kids? Or not?”

“If they’re here, you can send them in,” Johnny shrugged with one shoulder. “But...not Donghyuck, or Sicheng. I’m not ready to see them, not yet.” 

“You guys go,” Lucas spoke up suddenly. “I’ll be out in a minute.” Kun looked surprised, but nodded. The three of them hugged Johnny briefly with a promise to return later and left the room. “First of all, I just want to tell you that Daniel hyung called one of them while you were unconscious because he couldn’t get to you.” Johnny’s eyes widened. “He told them to tell you that your mother is ok, she’s perfectly fine. She had just left the surgery, that’s why he was calling.” Johnny sagged visibly in relief. 

“Thank you so much for telling me, Xuxi.” Lucas wrapped his arm around Johnny, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. 

“You’re welcome hyung.” Lucas waited a moment for Johnny to compose himself before continuing. “Also...how did you manage to get so sick without anyone noticing? You weren’t eating, you weren’t sleeping, you fell and sprained your ankle, you hurt your head, there’s bruises everywhere...how?”

“Why? In the mood to test it out?” Johnny asked him drily. Lucas rolled his eyes.

“I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” he said, laughing a little. 

“It wasn’t intentional,” Johnny said with a shrug. “Jae-My roommate sleeps before me and wakes up after me, so that wasn’t an issue. As for eating, I just fed the others more. They didn’t notice that I was eating less.”

“And your head? Ankle?” 

“That day, I went to talk to Daniel hyung. I was a bit overwhelmed and I fell down the stairs. That’s where everything else came from.” Lucas sighed. 

“Please be careful, hyung. We need you. And don’t ever try and leave us, ok?” Lucas’s voice wavered a bit, sending waves of guilt through Johnny.

“I won’t. I’m sorry, Xuxi.” Lucas stood up. 

“Get better soon, hyung. Do you still want to see the others?” Johnny nodded a bit. “Oh, and keep the jacket.” Johnny smiled this time as Lucas waved and left.

The Dreamies didn’t stay long, only long enough to berate Johnny for not taking care and also for wishing him well. Johnny fell asleep almost immediately after Jisung quietly shut the door, but he didn’t sleep soundly. Images of Mark and Jaehyun and Yuta flashed through his head, accusing him of being a traitor, of being a liar, of being selfish, and all sorts of other things. His cousin Daniel’s voice lingered in the background, accusing him of being useless and self-centered, telling him how his mother’s death was his fault. It was his fault. It was all his fault.

He woke up drenched in sweat, shivering. It was cold, so, so cold. Tears ran down his face as he curled up into himself, trying to fight off his thoughts. But he couldn’t get rid of what was written on the inside. Their voices echoed over and over in his head again and again, and it felt like it was about to burst. “STOP IT! STOP, PLEASE…”

Johnny’s yells summoned the doctor, who was visibly concerned. Johnny was running a fever, and he seemed delirious. “My head hurts,” Johnny whimpered. “Mom...please…”

“Mr Seo,” the doctor tried, but Johnny’s eyes were unfocused. “It’s Dr Choi. Can you look at me?”

“Mom…” The doctor’s heart ached at the young man’s sorrow. “I want...need...Ten...Xuxi...hyung...please…Mom.” Johnny wasn’t making any sense anymore. 

“I’m going to call his members,” he told the nurse firmly. “In the meanwhile, can you get cold water and a towel? Start to cool him down? I’m unsure about whether to pump more drugs into him. Perhaps having some familiar people with him will help to calm him a little and put him at ease.” The nurse nodded as the doctor left.

*********

“Where’s Lucas?” Taeil growled. 

“Who’s asking?” Yuta shrugged, turning away.

“The hospital,” Taeil said coldly. Immediately, Yuta was on high alert. 

“Uh...we’ll go and find him.” He gestured to Mark, and the two of them left the room immediately. 

“What’s wrong?” Taeyong asked worriedly.

“Apparently, Johnny’s a little bit delirious and running a fever,” Taeil explained stiffly. “He was calling out for his mother and some of the members, but the doctor doesn’t know who, so I told him I’ll send Lucas. I also told them that we want Johnny home. He wasn’t happy, but he agreed.”

“Send Jungwoo too,” Taeyong sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Jungwoo’s good at calming techniques.” Taeil nodded and left the room.

“How long will it take for Johnny hyung to recover?” Winwin asked, breaking into the awkward silence that was left. The tension was thick in the air.

“It depends on how bad the fever is,” Taeyong replied. “And how bad the injuries are.”

“It’s not too bad, from what Mark hyung mentioned,” Donghyuck piped up. “It shouldn’t too long. I just hope that he’ll recover in time for the comeback…”

“He might recover physically, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be ready to talk to us,” Winwin told him. “We all messed up.”

“The two of us didn’t-”

“We  _ all _ messed up, Donghyuck.” Donghyuck shut his mouth, going red from embarrassment. “We just need to find a way to fix it.”

“Let’s wait for him to come home, at least,” Doyoung said finally. “Then we can take care of him and fix it.”

“And even if he doesn’t want to interact with us, he’s a great actor,” Jaehyun added, speaking up for the first time. “He’s going to have to be with us anyway.”

“Oh yeah, who’s going to do the Night Night broadcasts with you while Johnny hyung’s sick?” Donghyuck asked in an attempt to tone down the tension.

“Doyoung hyung said he’ll do one or two, then I don’t know. We can feature a few of you, but he should be better by then...right?”

“Let’s hope he is.” Taeyong stood up, clapping his hands. “Take an hour or two out. We can come back and practice later in the evening.” 

**********

Lucas burst into the hospital room, followed closely by Jungwoo. The two of them panted heavily, having run all the way from their practice room to get here. A nurse was towelling down Johnny’s head, but he looked much calmer than before. “Who are you?” she asked in surprise. “You shouldn’t be in here.”

“We’re Johnny hyung’s friends,” Lucas told her. “The doctor called us.”

“Oh,” she said in relief. “Mr Seo is sleeping right now, but when he wakes, you’re free to take him home. I’ll go and call Doctor Choi so you can fill out the paperwork.” Lucas exchanged a baffled look with Jungwoo, who just rolled his eyes. 

“Sit down. I’ll sort it out.” The nurse left, and Lucas sat down, taking the towel off and turning it over, pressing the cooler side against Johnny’s head.

“Get better soon, hyung. The other hyungs are fighting, and I can’t bear to see them like this.” Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t stir. “Hyung...I wish we could help you more.” Lucas dipped the towel into the small bucket near the chair and wrung it out before putting it back on Johnny’s head, carding a hand through the older’s hair. “I’m glad that you’re coming home.” Johnny appeared to relax at the gesture, and he shifted his head a bit, moving closer to Lucas.

“How did you get so good at looking after other people?” Jungwoo asked softly, watching them with a sad smile on his face. 

Lucas turned to look at Jungwoo. “Um...back home, I had a younger brother.” He swallowed hard. “He got really sick, a lot worse than Johnny hyung. I used to take care of him, until…” Lucas turned back to Johnny, unable to complete his sentence. Jungwoo stood up, putting a hand on Lucas’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok! It’s ok!” Lucas uttered out, louder than he intended to. Johnny’s eyes fluttered open, but Lucas had turned his attention to Jungwoo. “I just...I don’t want the same thing to happen to Johnny hyung. I want to make sure he’s comfortable and safe. He’s obviously not as sick as my brother was but still...it hurts to see him like this.” Lucas took in a great shuddering breath. “I want him to get better soon.”

“I’m not dying anytime soon, Xuxi.” Lucas yelped and jumped off, banging his head on Jungwoo’s chin. The two boys gasped out in pain, and Johnny smiled weakly from the bed. “Idiots.” 

“Hyung,” Lucas whined. “Why are you awake?”

“I wasn’t tired anymore.”

“You woke him up, Lucas.”

“He didn’t, don’t worry,” Johnny said hastily. “Why is there a towel on my head? And why are you two here?” He tried to sit up, but Jungwoo put a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. 

“Stay lying down until the doctor comes back.” Johnny lay back, sighing. He reached up gingerly to remove the towel, wincing at the stiffness in his shoulder. “We’re here because you’re going home.”

“What?! But...I thought I was staying another night?”

Lucas and Jungwoo exchanged another glance, and Jungwoo shrugged. “The doctor said you were delirious, and calling for us,” Lucas told him. “He thinks you’d be better off at home. He doesn’t think that you’ll get worse, and-”

“Apart from the regular pain medication, there’s really not a lot I can give you.” All eyes turned to the door, where Doctor Choi stood. “I trust your members with you. You’re also a fighter, Mr Seo.” Johnny smiled tiredly at that. “You’re to stay on complete bed rest for three days. After that, you can move up and about, but I need you to not strain your ankle. It should be healed in the next ten days or so, but if you aggravate it too much, you risk permanent damage,” the doctor told him seriously. “As much as I’ve grown to like you, I’d rather not see you back here in this manner, ok?” He turned to Lucas and Jungwoo. “Now, which one of you young men will help to release Mr Seo from my care?” Jungwoo stood up and left the room quickly, leaving Lucas alone with Johnny.

“Xuxi. I’m sorry about your brother.” Lucas cleared his throat and shrugged.

“It’s ok. It was a while ago.” He cracked a smile. “The important thing is that you’re ok, hyung.”

“I’m good.” Then he grimaced.

“No, you’re not! What’s wrong?”

“I need to pee.” He slowly sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Lucas moved back to give him space as Johnny tried to stand. “Ouch!” he fell backwards, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Uh...I can’t walk.”

“You haven’t left your bed, have you?” Lucas asked him, and Johnny shook his head, wincing at the pain the movement caused. Lucas laughed and crouched down in front of him. “Jump on.”

“What?”

“I’ll carry you, hyung. Come on.” Hesitantly, Johnny wrapped his arms around Lucas. Lucas stood up easily. “You’re so light, hyung!” Lucas tutted. “Come on.” 

“Go slow, please. Everything hurts.” Lucas nodded and carried Johnny into the bathroom carefully. 

“Do you need more help?” Lucas asked, putting him down. Johnny shook his head. “I’ll wait outside, then. Call me if you need help.” Lucas left quickly, shutting the door, and Johnny sighed. He gently tested his weight on his legs, feeling them come back alive with pins and needles. He could feel pain blooming across his body, spreading out from his shoulder across his back. Lucas entered again to hand him a set of clothes that they’d bought for him earlier in the day, and left Johnny to his own devices.

It took him fifteen minutes to manoeuvre around the bathroom. Finally ready, he hobbled across the bathroom floor on wobbly legs and fell straight into Lucas outside the door, unable to hold himself up anymore. Luckily, the younger boy was ready and waiting, catching him and steadying him. “My legs woke up,” Johnny gasped, putting an arm around Lucas to catch his balance. 

“I can see that.” Lucas was trying really hard not to laugh. Johnny glared at him, noting that he’d picked up his jacket again

“Stop laughing at me! I’m in pain!” Johnny pouted to emphasise his point. When Jungwoo walked in a second later, he couldn’t tell whether Lucas was holding Johnny up or whether Johnny was supporting Lucas. 

“What did you say to him?” Jungwoo asked with a laugh, coming over to Johnny’s other side. Johnny promptly let go of Lucas, who fell on the floor, still laughing. Jungwoo gripped Johnny, but the elder had managed to get his balance back a little, though beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. 

“Nothing, he was just laughing at my inability to walk,” Johnny grumbled, but he was smiling a little. “I haven’t gotten up for two days.” 

“Ignore him,” Jungwoo shook his head at Lucas, a smile tugging on his lips. The doctor walked in with a paper bag and burst out laughing at the sight of Lucas on the floor. Lucas hastily stood up, and the doctor grinned widely, handing Lucas the bag. 

“Mr Seo, that bag there holds your medication. There’s painkillers for the next two weeks and vitamins also. Your vitamins, you must take with every mealtime, and you must eat three times a day. The painkillers are for use when needed, but not more than four times in a single day, and try and keep a four hour gap minimum between each use. There’s also sleeping pills, once a night, that will give you eight hours of rest. Oh! Your bandages should come off in the next day or two from your head, the bleeding from now until then should be very minimal. If it’s still bleeding in three days time, then come back in to see me. Any other problems, just come back to me.” Johnny bowed a little in thanks, grimacing at the pain in his abdomen and head. “Off you go then, Mr Seo.” 

Jungwoo and Lucas helped Johnny hobble outside of the room and down the stairs. It took them a little time, but they managed to make it unscathed to the hospital entrance. “Wait, we ran here,” Lucas realised, slapping his forehead.

“Luckily for you, I called our manager,” Jungwoo retorted. “Look.” Johnny was relieved as their manager pulled up. His legs were about to give in and he felt dizzy; he needed to sit down. Lucas opened the car door and the three of them sat down. 

“You three are idiots.”

“Hello to you too, Manager hyung.” Johnny leaned his head on Jungwoo’s shoulder, absolutely exhausted. 

“Lucas, Jungwoo, you shouldn’t have gone without letting me know first.”

“Yuta hyung said it was an emergency! And he said he’d tell you, anyway.” 

“That’s not an excuse, Lucas.”

“But-”

Jungwoo leaned over and pinched his leg, shaking his head a little. Lucas sighed, crestfallen. Johnny was already asleep by the time the manager had pulled off. Jungwoo stared down at him worriedly. He pressed a hand to his forehead, concerned at the temperature. His skin was hot again. He opened the window a little, letting the breeze come through. “Can someone update me on his condition? I haven’t had a chance to come and talk to the doctor,” the manager told them. “I’ve been at the company filling out the paperwork for this accident and the expenses for your trip.”

Jungwoo quietly explained everything the doctor had told them, and the manager sighed. “He’s on bed rest for the next three days. The four of us can look after him, though,” Lucas added. 

“Four?”

“Me, Jungwoo hyung, Kun hyung and Ten hyung. He doesn’t want to see the others right now.”

“Ah, that reminds me, I need to have a word with Mark, Jaehyun and Yuta.” Jungwoo and Lucas exchanged a worried glance. “I’m sorry for shouting at you, Lucas. I’m just worried about Johnny.” The worried glance turned incredulous; their manager never apologised, not even when he knew he was wrong. “Oh, don’t look so surprised! I am human, I can apologise for my actions!” he laughed a little at them from the mirror. 

“Uh, thank you,” Lucas said uncertainly. The manager pulled up outside their dorm, rolling his eyes. 

“Is everyone practicing here or at the office?”

“They’re at the office,” Jungwoo told him. The manager nodded. 

“Do you need help getting Johnny inside?” he asked. Johnny was still out cold. 

“I’ll carry him inside, it’s ok. Thank you, hyung.” Lucas got out first, and together, him and Jungwoo manoeuvred Johnny out of the car and onto Lucas’s back. 

“Take care of him!” the manager called before driving off. Johnny was heavier than before as he was sleeping, so it took a little more time to get inside and up the stairs. Lucas managed to get Johnny onto one of the couches in their living room, and Jungwoo covered him with a blanket, running a hand through his hair. 

“I’m going to call Ten hyung,” Jungwoo told Lucas. “Will you be ok by yourself?”

“Yeah, no problem, he’s sleeping anyway.” Lucas made himself comfortable in an armchair, rolling his shoulders back as he took his phone out. Jungwoo grinned and headed outside.

**********

“MOM!” Johnny shot up with a gasp, breathing heavily. Heavy footsteps echoed, and a second later, Ten and Lucas burst through the door. 

“Are you ok, hyung?” Ten asked in concern, kneeling down near him. Johnny took a moment to respond before nodding. Pain shot through his head and he groaned, leaning forwards and clutching his head in his hands. “Go and get water, Xuxi.” Lucas came back with a cold glass of water, and Johnny took it with shaking hands, sipping a little bit, waiting for his heart rate to calm down. 

“What happened?”

“Bad dream,” Johnny muttered. “I’m sorry for disturbing you,” he added. He blinked a little. “What time is it?”

“You didn’t disturb us, don’t be silly,” Ten rolled his eyes. “It’s six pm. We were just eating dinner, but I saved you some. You have to eat.”

“I’m not hungry-”

“Vitamins,” Lucas cut in. “You need to get better, hyung. You’ve been asleep since we left the hospital at eleven, so you’ve missed lunch, and who knows if you ate breakfast? Even if you did, that was ages ago. You need to eat.” Johnny sighed in defeat.

“Fine.” He ran a hand through his hair, making a face at the feeling of the grease. He desperately needed a shower. He swung his legs to the side and slowly stood up, balancing the weight on his uninjured ankle. Lucas stood by his side, one arm outstretched just in case Johnny needed the help, but he was determined to walk by himself. Limping painfully, he walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. The other members were sitting there in an almost painful silence. All eyes turned to him as he walked in, and Johnny froze. 

“If you’re finished eating, can you move?” Ten asked them, and Johnny noted the coldness in his voice as he spoke. At once, Taeyong, Yuta and Winwin stood up. Taeyong stood awkwardly in front of Johnny, about to speak but Johnny deliberately looked away. He sensed Taeyong deflating, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty. The three of them left the room, leaving Doyoung, Jaehyun, Lucas, Ten and Johnny behind. 

“Sit here,” Lucas murmured, and Johnny sat in the offered chair, grimacing. His back really hurt. Doyoung reached for a plate and started to fill it with food, but Johnny reached out. 

“Stop. I can fill it myself.” Johnny met his eyes, but looked away first. Doyoung handed him the plate without a word, and Johnny added a little more chicken before putting the plate in front of him. 

“Hyung, you need to eat some more,” Ten told him. “That’s not enough.”

“Ten, please,” Johnny got out through gritted teeth. Ten pursed his lips but said nothing more. Johnny stabbed the chicken with his fork and took a small bite, and then another. He was aware of the eyes on him, but he didn’t want to display any more annoyance or anger. He managed to eat half of what was on his plate before he couldn’t eat anymore. He took a gulp of water and pushed his plate away from him, finally meeting Ten’s eyes. Ten didn’t look happy, but he held out his medication anyway. Johnny took the pills, washing them down with more water. 

“Do you feel any better?” Doyoung hesitantly asked. Johnny turned to him, a cutting retort on his tongue, but his eyes drifted to Lucas, who was watching him in concern. Johnny hesitated.

“A little,” he settled on. “Thanks.” Doyoung seemed satisfied, a relieved smile spreading out over his face.

“Hyung, can we talk?”

“I…” Johnny wasn’t sure. Did he really want to talk to Doyoung? The same Doyoung that had stared at him with disgust and betrayal written all over his face? “I guess.” He surprised even himself by that, but he realised that he needed to know why. He was sick and tired of the nightmares and the voices, and it had only been two days. He needed to know the reason for his reaction.

“Johnny’s going to shower first,” Ten cut in. “After that.” Johnny nodded, relieved, and stood up. Again, Lucas and Ten escorted him out of the room.

“Thank you, guys. I’m sorry for snapping at you,” Johnny told them, apologising to Ten. Ten just shrugged.

“It’s cool. Just...eat a little more next time, ok?”

“I’m doing my best,” Johnny sighed. “I just can’t eat too much right now.” Ten nodded. They walked over to the stairs, and Johnny stood at the bottom, taking in a deep breath. 

“I’ll carry you,” Lucas told him.

“No, I-”

“You need your strength for the shower.” Johnny protested as Lucas picked him up and slowly climbed the stairs.

“Put me down! I can walk!”

“Stop moving or I’ll fall!”

Ten just laughed from the bottom of the stairs, his arms folded over his chest. Lucas deposited Johnny at the top of the stairs. “When did you get so strong, Xuxi?” Johnny grumbled.

“I’m not that strong. You’re pretty light. And it’s easier to carry you when you’re awake, anyway.”

“Oh.” Ten finally joined them upstairs.

“I’m gonna get your stuff, you go and get the water running,” Ten told the two of them. 

“I don’t need babysitting!”

“Clearly!” Ten responded sarcastically. He was glad at the banter though; it meant the old Johnny was returning, or at least some of him. He was on the mend. He quickly found a fresh towel and comfortable clothing from Johnny’s room and returned to the bathroom. Johnny was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, watching the water run. 

“Thanks, Ten.” Ten hung up the clothes and towel and saluted him. 

“No problem, captain.” Johnny rolled his eyes. “Lucas and I will wait outside, so just shout us if you need help.” He put a hand to Johnny’s forehead, nodding a little. “Good.”

“Thanks, Ten. And what’s good?” 

“Your fever’s gone down. Not gone completely, but better than before.”

“I slept it off, I guess.” Johnny smiled. “Now leave, before the water gets cold.” Ten smiled and left the bathroom. Lucas emerged from one of the bedrooms a second later and joined Ten on the landing, getting comfortable on the floor. 

“What were you doing?” Ten asked him suspiciously. Lucas shrugged.

“I was just thinking. Johnny hyung’s bedroom is all the way at the end of that corridor, and the bathroom is down here. If he needs the bathroom and he’s there, he’ll have to walk all the way down here, and in a fevered and injured state, that’s not very good for him. I was just seeing if Taeyong hyung would be willing to swap with him.”

“You really thought this through, didn’t you?” Ten asked in surprise. Lucas shrugged, looking away.

“Experience.” Ten didn’t push him anymore, sensing that it was a sensitive subject for Lucas. They sat in relative silence until a thud from the bathroom caught their attention.

*********

“He’s really angry, isn't he?” Jaehyun mumbled to Doyoung. 

“I would be too, if I was in his position.” Doyoung stood up, gathering the dishes. “I don’t blame him.”

“Hopefully he’ll listen to us when we talk to him soon.”

“Me too.” Doyoung sighed as he loaded up the dishwasher. “I just...I hope he doesn’t push us away anymore.”

“I feel so guilty.”

“Hmm.” Doyoung really didn’t know what to say. He sat down at the table, facing Jaehyun. “Please don’t fuck this up.”

“What makes you think I’ll fuck this up, hyung?” Jaehyun asked him. Doyoung raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Something tells me that you will.” 

“I promise to stick to the script.”

“This isn’t a movie or a story, Jae! There is no script! Just...apologise for what you did.”

“I know, I know. I know the drill.”

“Good.” Doyoung didn’t have time to say anything more, as a thud and then two consecutive yells caught their attention. The two of them ran upstairs to find Lucas soaking wet in the shower, Ten looking angrily at Johnny, and Johnny doubled over with laughter. 

“What the hell?” Jaehyun blurted out, starting to laugh as Lucas tried to pick himself up, his shirt dripping water everywhere. “What’s going on here?”

“I was just getting dressed,” Johnny started before starting to laugh again. “And then...the shampoo fell...and...they rushed in...and Lucas...saw me...got scared...he fell…” Johnny couldn’t breathe from laughing so hard. It felt good, releasing all the tension. It took him a minute, but he gathered himself together and cleared his throat, letting out a breath. “Wow. That hurt.” He rubbed his stomach, grimacing. 

“I'm glad that I’m such a big source of entertainment for you,” Lucas grumbled, yanking his shirt over his head and wringing it out. “That hurt!”

“I’m sorry, but you just looked so funny,” Johnny told him, another smile tugging on his lips. Lucas looked at him, and his lips twitched before he burst into laughter, shaking his head. 

“You’re an idiot, Johnny Seo!” Ten exclaimed. “We thought you fell!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Johnny sagged suddenly, the smile dropping from his face, and Ten’s anger faded into concern as he rushed to Johnny’s side. “I don’t feel so good. My stomach hurts.”

“You didn’t eat much,” Doyoung replied in concern, coming to sit on his other side. “Can you stand?”

Johnny sucked in a breath and nodded, standing up on shaky legs. Leaning heavily on Doyoung, he limped from the bathroom. “Take him into Taeyong hyung’s room!” Lucas yelled after them. Ten opened the door, and Taeyong sat up, yanking out his earphones.

“Why are we here?” Johnny mumbled. 

“It’s closest to the bathroom,” Ten told him. “Come on.”

“Sit on Hyuck’s bed,” Taeyong said. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Johnny didn’t look at him. He let out a breath.

“Still hurting?” Ten asked sympathetically. 

“No. I don’t know.” 

“Hyung…”

“Ten, can you ask Taeyong to leave me alone please?” Johnny pointedly looked away. Ten, surprised, turned his head a little. Taeyong sighed and sat back down again. Ten shrugged apologetically. 

“I’m going to let you rest now, hyung," Doyoung said to him. “But before I forget, your cousin called us twice more and he’s worried. So could you call him back at some point?”

“I thought you wanted to talk,” Johnny said, but Doyoung shook his head.

“It can wait.” He held out his phone. “Here. Call him, let him know you’re ok. We can’t make up too many more excuses.” Reluctantly, he took the phone and nodded his thanks, wincing a little. Doyoung inspected his head, and then his fingers. “I’ll go and get you fresh bandages.” Doyoung tugged Taeyong up and the two of them left.

“Ten?” Johnny asked as Ten busied himself tugging Donghyuck’s duvet around Johnny.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Am I being too harsh?”

“In what way?”

“I don’t really want to see Taeyong, or Doyoung or Jae, or Winwin. Or even Mark. And I’m being rude to them, to their faces. But they’re being so kind to me. Am I being harsh?”

“I mean...it isn’t unexpected,” Ten said delicately. “In my opinion, you all need to talk to each other, figure out what went wrong. Especially Mark and Jaehyun. Start with them, actually. They’re your closest friends.”

“But...they’re the ones who started this mess…”

Ten shrugged. “That’s exactly why you need to talk to him.” He pulled the duvet up to Johnny’s neck. “But before all of that, call your cousin. Make sure he’s ok, he’s probably worried sick, and see if you can talk to your mom, too.” Johnny nodded his thanks, and Ten waggled his fingers at him as he left.

Johnny held up the phone, took a deep breath, and dialled the number.

“Daniel hyung? It’s Johnny.”

“Seo Youngho, you’d better have a good fucking reason as to where you’ve been for the last three days!”

**********

“I spoke to hyung,” Ten told everyone. They were waiting anxiously downstairs for news, desperate to see him or talk to him. “He’s still angry, like immensely angry. I think part of it is down to the fact that he’s injured, and he’s also hurting because of his mom. But...it’s down to you guys and your behaviour too. He said he’ll start to talk to you guys, and he’ll start with Mark and Jaehyun. You two fucked up the most.” Ten turned to Doyoung. “Sorry, hyung. Your talk is going to have to wait.”

“It wasn’t for me anyway,” Doyoung replied, gesturing to Jaehyun. “It’s fine.”

“Ok then. Taeyong hyung, you can come and sleep in my room. Hyuck, you can have Johnny’s bed,” Ten moved on swiftly.

“I was going to sleep with these guys,” Donghyuck shuffled closer to Jaemin. “If that’s ok.”

“And I don’t mind rooming with Jaehyun for a night or two,” Taeyong added.  

“Don’t stress about that, I sorted it already,” Lucas told Ten. Ten nodded in relief. He groaned and leaned forwards, his head in his hands. Lucas glanced at him worriedly. “Hyung, go and rest. Kun and I will go to Johnny hyung for a while.”

“I shouldn’t…”

“Ten, come on.” Yuta took Ten by the arm and led him towards the door. “Let’s go and play pool.” Jaehyun followed them, and after a moment, Renjun left as well. 

“We’re going back to the dorm,” Jisung said, pointing to himself and Chenle. “We’ll be in Chenle’s room, if anyone asks.”

“Playing video games again?” Winwin raised his eyebrows.

“Would you rather they be loud and disturb you all here?” Jeno asked them. Winwin shook his head, and Jeno sighed. “Come on, then. Let’s go and play.” Donghyuck and Jaemin followed them quickly. 

Kun and Lucas headed upstairs to see Johnny, and the rest of the members scattered, each of them busy in with their own tasks and worries. To their surprise, Johnny was asleep, Doyoung’s phone lying on his chest. And he looked at ease, much calmer than before. Lucas gently pulled the covers over him and removed Doyoung’s phone. Johnny didn’t stir as Kun checked his temperature.

“I think he’s ok,” Kun whispered. “Just exhausted. The fever seems to have gone down, but we’ll see.”

“I really hope he can sort things out with the hyungs,” Lucas murmured back. “We on night watch?”

“Yeah but you should rest. Jungwoo and I can do it, you and Ten were with him all day.” Lucas hesitated, and Kun pushed him encouragingly towards the door. “Go on. Go and relax, send Jungwoo up. And tell him to bring my book for me.” Lucas nodded, and with one last lingering look at Johnny, he left.

**********

The moment he heard the groans, Jungwoo was up immediately. Picking himself up off the floor, he hurried to Johnny’s bedside. “Hyung? Are you ok?” he asked in a low voice, aware of Kun asleep in Donghyuck’s bed. Johnny was asleep, but he was tossing and turning. 

“Stop…” 

“Hyung, wake up,” Jungwoo gently shook Johnny’s shoulder, but the elder seemed to far gone in his sleep. “Johnny hyung?”

“Please...I’m sorry…” A tear escaped from Johnny’s eye, and Jungwoo sighed softly, sitting down on the bed. 

“Hyung, it’s ok. Whatever’s happening, it’s ok…” He ran a hand through Johnny’s hair, which was now damp with soft. “It’s ok...don’t cry…” He added as more tears leaked out of Johnny’s closed eyes. “It’s ok...it’s ok…I’m here…” Johnny groaned and shifted, and suddenly his head was in Jungwoo’s lap. Jungwoo waited for a moment, but Johnny made himself comfortable. “Hyung?”

“Don’t go,” Johnny mumbled. “Please…”

“I won’t go anywhere, hyung,” Jungwoo promised, resuming his movements. He leaned his head back against the headboard of Taeyong’s bed, the rhythmic stroking of Johnny’s hair and the elder’s breathing slowly evening out gently lulling him to sleep. When he awoke next, it was almost seven in the morning, and he could hear people moving around outside. He blinked awake properly, and squinting across, he could see that Kun was no longer there. He looked down; Johnny’s face was damp, and he could see tear tracks on his cheeks, but he seemed relaxed enough. Jungwoo’s hand was tangled in the elder’s long hair, and as he tried to remove it, Johnny stirred. His eyes blinked open, unfocused for a moment until they settled on Jungwoo.

“Jungwoo?” Johnny asked, his voice hoarse. “What are you doing here?”

“Kun hyung and I were on night watch,” Jungwoo replied, stifling a yawn. “Wait, don’t move…” Jungwoo continued detangling his hand from Johnny’s hair. “You had a nightmare, so I came to see if you were ok, and you fell asleep on me.” 

“Oh.” Johnny’s felt his face heat up. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok! It’s fine, don’t worry,” Jungwoo said hastily, retracting his hand. The door opened and Kun came inside, a mug of tea in his hand. He glanced at the two in surprise. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked, and Jungwoo shook his head immediately. 

“No, don’t worry,” he responded. “We just woke up.”

Kun smiled and turned to Johnny. “How are you feeling, hyung?”

“I...ok, actually,” Johnny slowly sat up with a grimace, and Jungwoo rearranged his pillows so he could lean back comfortably. “It still hurts, but it’s better than two days ago. My headache seems to have dulled a little.”

“That’s good to hear,” Kun grinned. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah.” Johnny nodded. “Yeah,” he repeated. “The best sleep I’ve had in a while.” 

“I’ll go and get us breakfast,” Jungwoo told Johnny before leaving, and Kun sat down in his place. 

“Did you manage to talk to your cousin yesterday?” 

Johnny smiled. “Yeah, and I even got to talk to my mom.”

“How is she?”

“She’s much better.” The smile faded a little. “I really want to see her, but…”

“Don’t worry, hyung,” Kun squeezed Johnny’s hand. “You will soon.”

“After Chain promotions are done, then I think I might fly out.”

“But only if you’re feeling better,” Kun warned. 

“I will be, don’t worry.” Kun nodded. 

“So what excuse did you give to your cousin then?”

“I told him the truth,” Johnny admitted. “I tried to lie, but he knows me too well. Saw right through it. But I begged him not to tell my mom, and he said he wouldn’t. She needs to focus on recovering.”

“And so do you, ok?” Johnny nodded. “You need to eat properly.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Johnny hyung,” Kun rolled his eyes. 

“I think...I need to talk to Jaehyun today,” Johnny said after a moment. “I want to go to practice with them.”

“But you can barely walk,” Jungwoo added, hearing the last comment as he entered. “And you’re supposed to be on bed rest.” He placed the tray on the Taeyong’s bedside table.

“But you know me, Jungwoo,” Johnny grumbled. “I can’t sit still for long. I feel much better today, it doesn’t hurt as much! And in the studio, I can work on other things while they practice. And there’s a sofa there too, I can rest there. Please?” he begged. Kun and Jungwoo exchanged a look. Jungwoo sighed. 

“I’ll go and ask the managers…” Johnny perked up. “But only if you finish your food.” Kun grinned at Jungwoo’s underhanded tactics in getting Johnny to eat. “And take your vitamins. I’ve put painkillers there too.”

“Fine,” Johnny sighed, reaching for the tray. “Thank you, Jungwoo.”

“You’re welcome, hyung.” Jungwoo smirked as he left. Kun set about opening the curtains and tidying up the room as Johnny started to eat. He didn’t manage to eat everything, but it was definitely a step up from before. Jungwoo nodded in satisfaction as he came to take the tray away. Johnny downed his medication before looking up at Jungwoo. 

“So what’s the verdict?” he asked hopefully.

“They said yes, as long as you take one of us four too, just in case something else happens,” Jungwoo explained. “Ten offered to go.” Johnny nodded. “And you’re not to dance at all today. They also fixed your phone screen,” Jungwoo handed Johnny his phone, “but please, don’t spend too much time on your phone. It can aggravate your concussion.” 

“Thank you so much!” Johnny exclaimed. He swung his legs out of the bed and lay back, stretching. He stood up, carefully testing weight on his injured foot before leaning heavily on his uninjured foot. Kun laughed and came to support him, wrapping an arm around his waist. They limped to the bathroom together, and Kun left him there to get ready. 

“Do you think they’ll make up?” Jungwoo asked worriedly. Kun nodded.

“They will. Don’t worry.” He clapped the younger on the shoulder. “Go and sleep, Jungwoo. You look exhausted.

“I’m not-” Jungwoo stifled another yawn. “Tired.” Kun rolled his eyes and pushed him in the direction of Taeyong’s bedroom. 

“Sleep.”

**********

Johnny’s eyes followed the movements of the dance carefully, ignoring the pain pulsating through his head in time with the music. One of the company choreographers was standing in for Johnny, and the members went through the routine again. Johnny’s role was the choreographer’s now, to watch carefully for any mistakes and to correct them. So far, they’d been through the routine three times, and there’d been a multitude of mistakes. Johnny knew it was because of his presence, and he debated leaving, but Ten had pulled him back down to his seat. “You’re not going anywhere,” he hissed at Johnny. “You’re as much a part of NCT as any of them. They’re going to have to suck it.” Johnny sighed, sitting back and settling for watching his members dance in the mirror. Jaehyun sent him nervous glances every so often, but Johnny kept a straight face, not reacting.

Another round of the routine, and the choreographer sighed, calling for a break. “You have fifteen minutes to get some water and to get your acts together!” he yelled out. Johnny winced, covering his ears as the man’s voice pierced his ears. “I’ll be back.” He walked out, the door slamming shut behind him, and Johnny finally removed his hands from his ears. There was silence in the room before Ten cleared his throat. 

“You heard the man. Go and get water.” The members appeared to snap out of a trance and move. “Do you want to talk to Jaehyun now?” Ten asked Johnny in a low voice. “You do have fifteen minutes.”

“You think that’s enough time?” 

Ten shrugged. “Should be.” 

Johnny took in a deep breath. “Ok, then.” He watched as Ten swiftly crossed the room and spoke to Jaehyun. Jaehyun’s eyes flicked over to Johnny, and Johnny looked away, crossing his arms over his torso. He kept his eyes trained on the floor until he felt the sofa sink down a little bit.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” 

There was an awkward pause. “Hyung, I’m sorry,” Jaehyun told him. “I shouldn’t have been listening to your conversation, and I didn’t...I didn’t realise how bad your situation was. I shouldn’t have spread baseless rumours...I should have waited for you to come and talk to us on your own terms.” 

Johnny finally turned to face Jaehyun. “Thank you…”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun said again. “I really am.” 

“I wasn’t sure if I was ready to forgive you,” Johnny began, and Jaehyun’s face fell. “But,” Johnny added, “you seem really sincere. And the Jaehyun I know wouldn’t do that if…” Johnny swallowed hard. “It was my own fault. I’m sorry for not telling you what was wrong in the first place.”

“Hey, it’s fine. We all make mistakes.” Johnny couldn’t help but laugh, and Jaehyun smiled too. “Just remember that we’re brothers, ok? You can tell us anything.”

“Thank you.” The two words held a lot more emotion than either of the two boys cared to admit. “So what exactly happened that day? My memory’s kind of fuzzy…”

Jaehyun explained everything; how he’d spoken to a few members about what he’d heard, how Taeil’s shouting had attracted everyone’s attention, and how he and Mark had told everyone the full story. “We told the truth, but it wasn’t the right truth,” Jaehyun said guiltily. The others were practicing by now, with Ten standing in for Jaehyun; Ten enjoyed the workout.

“I guess everyone knows by now?”

“Yeah…” Jaehyun continued to explain Yuta’s loss of control as he confronted Johnny, and then how Daniel had called Jaehyun to try and find out where Johnny was. Johnny laughed as Jaehyun described his flailing English skills. 

“Dan hyung was so angry once I finally called back,” Johnny confided in his friend. “He was shouting so much for worrying him, and once I told him, he shouted even more. It was kind of funny.” The two boys laughed quietly, and a comfortable silence descended upon the two. 

Jaehyun stood up after a moment. “I should go, I need to practice and you really need to rest.” 

“Before I rest, do you think I can speak to Mark?” Johnny pleaded. Ten broke out of the formation and headed over to the two. “Ten, please, I wanna talk to Mark.” Ten put his hand on Johnny’s forehead, and shook his head firmly.

“You’re starting to burn up a bit. Sleep for a while, then we’ll think about it.” Jaehyun nodded in support of Ten’s words.

“I’ll put the AC on.” Jaehyun jogged away as Johnny pouted. Ten sat down, pulling Johnny’s head into his lap. 

“Come here. I’ll give you a massage.” Ten waggled his fingers at Johnny, and Johnny rolled his eyes. Ten raised his eyebrows.

“Do I even get a choice?” Johnny grumbled. But even so, his eyes started to close as Ten began to knead Johnny’s temples gently. 

Johnny didn’t remember falling asleep; the next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake by Mark. “Hyung,” Mark whispered nervously. Johnny’s eyes opened and he blearily looked around before focusing on Mark. “Hey, you uh, missed lunch, so I thought I’d bring you food.” Johnny groaned as he sat up. His head felt so much clearer, but his body was aching. Someone’s jacket slipped off him, and he bent down to pick it up, wincing at the stiffness in his arm. 

The sound of paper rustling drew his attention. Mark unwrapped a subway and handed it to him, handing his vitamins to him alongside it. “I thought we could go old school today.” Johnny took it silently, still half-asleep. Mark unwrapped his own and started to eat. “Hyung, are you still mad at me?” Mark asked after a minute. 

“A little,” Johnny mumbled around the mouthful of sandwich. “I was, but then I spoke to Jae. And things got clearer for me.”

“Oh.” Mark didn’t really know what to say.

“Where is everyone else?”

“The other practice room. You looked so comfortable, nobody wanted to disturb you.” 

“I’m sorry...you should go practice too.”

“Don’t be silly.” Mark took another bite, sauce dripping down his chin. Johnny rolled his eyes and automatically reached out with a tissue, attacking Mark’s face. “Thank you. Uh...yeah, Jae said you wanted to talk to me, so I offered to get food last. It’s a good excuse, plus you got to sleep.”

Johnny nodded a little, sighing in relief as his head remained painless. Ten truly did have magic hands. “You know, that day…I asked you about the never debuting thing because...it hurt that I couldn't be there for my mom while she’s going through this. If I hadn’t debuted, I could have been by her side instead of my cousin, I could be the son that she’s proud of instead of being so useless and a thousand miles away.”

“Hey, hyung,” Mark said gently. “I understand. And your mom is proud of you. You’re not useless, you’re providing for your family while doing something that you enjoy. Physically, you’re a thousand miles away, but - ugh, this is going to sound so cheesy -” Johnny laughed a little as Mark grimaced, “But you’re always thinking of her. Even now, while you’re sick and injured, you’re thinking of her, and I’m sure she’s thinking of you. Your mom is seriously awesome, I’d know.” Johnny smiled, remembering all the times his mother had spoken to not just Mark, but the other members too. “Don’t be upset about that. I know it hurts...but your mom is strong. She’s ok.”

“I’m glad.”

“Hyung, I’m sorry for not listening to everything you had to say that day. If only I’d listened, then we wouldn’t be in this position right now.”

 

"It's ok..."

“No, it’s not ok,” Mark argued. “I messed up, and because of me, you got hurt. I can’t forgive myself for that.”

“I forgive you, Mark,” Johnny cut in. “It’s ok. It was the wrong time to talk, anyway, and I should’ve just said outright what I meant to say instead of spouting pure BS in the first place.”

“Are you two done playing the blame game?” Jaehyun called from the door, and both boys’ heads turned to see Jaehyun leaning casually on the doorframe. 

“Were you eavesdropping again?!” Johnny accused, slowly standing up, though there was no real malice to his voice. 

“Maybe,” Jaehyun grinned cheekily, playing along. “Maybe I was…”

“What rumours will you spread this time?” Mark joined in, watching carefully as Johnny slowly made his way toward Jaehyun. 

“Hm, that Johnny is too forgiving for his own good,” Jaehyun said, tapping his chin as if deep in thought. 

“That’s fake news! I’ll have you done for slander,” Johnny boomed, throwing himself at Jaehyun. Jaehyun yelped for real, but wrapped his arms around Johnny, hugging him tightly. Johnny lifted one arm and pulled Mark in too, and the three of them stood there gently, swaying slightly in the hug.

“Ok, this is getting weird now,” Mark quickly stepped out, and the three of them laughed loudly. 

“I actually came to get you to come back to practice,” Jaehyun told Mark with a grin. “Oh, and Taeyong hyung wants to talk to you,” Jaehyun added. “You up for one more?”

Johnny shrugged. “Not like I’ve got anything better to do.” 

Jaehyun leaned out of the door. “TAEYONG HYUNG?!” he hollered down the corridor.

“WHAT?!” came the echoing reply. 

“GET YOUR FLAT ASS IN HERE!”

Johnny and Mark burst into laughter. “I DON’T HAVE A FLAT ASS!” Taeyong came running down the corridor, looking irritated, but seeing Johnny standing there, the smile faded into something more awkward. 

“Come and talk to Johnny hyung.” Taeyong nodded at Jaehyun, and both he and Mark waved as they walked away. 

“You should sit down,” Taeyong said after a moment, gesturing to the couch. Johnny nodded and slowly limped his way back to the couch.

“What can I do for you?” Johnny asked, then cringed as he said it. “God, I feel like a bloody doctor or therapist or something, what with all of these one on one meetings with you lot.”

Taeyong smiled a little. “I just want to apologise, I guess.”

“Same line as the last two.” Johnny fought to keep the smile off his face.

“Have you had your medicine?”

“Yeah.” 

“I um..said something which I shouldn’t have said,” Taeyong replied. Johnny was aware of this, courtesy of Jaehyun, but he kept silent. “I was angry and not thinking straight. I might not have said it to you, but I’m...upset, that it came out of my mouth at all.” Taeyong struggled to find the right words. “I just...I’m sorry that I said what I did. I’m not going to repeat it, but it wasn’t good. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here when you needed us the most, and I’m sorry for not listening to you.”

“I know what you said,” Johnny murmured when he was sure that Taeyong had finished speaking. “I’m not gonna lie, it did hurt me. But then again...it was sort of my own fault. I was talking to Jaehyun and Mark earlier...the Blame Game, of sorts,” Johnny blew some air out of his nose in an attempt to laugh. “At that point, everything you guys thought was rational. I won’t hold it against you. Just...don’t believe rumours so easily next time? Equally, I’ll try and say something if there’s a problem.” Taeyong nodded, a relieved smile on his face.

“Friends?”

“Friends?!” Johnny looked crestfallen. “I thought we were brothers!”

“Oh shut up,” Taeyong rolled his eyes as he side-hugged Johnny. Then he stood up. “You should rest a little more.” Johnny smiled. “See you later.”

**********

Close to ten days after the incident, Johnny sat in the doctor’s office, his injured foot propped up in the doctor’s lap as he unwrapped the bandage around his foot. Johnny felt awkward, and he was grateful for the presence of Taeil and Lucas with him. It was the last thing to check; his head wound had closed up almost completely, his vision was perfectly fine, and he had no more headaches from the concussion. His fever had completely stopped after the third day, and the bruises on his body were healing nicely.

He’d spoken to Taeil and Yuta the same evening as Taeyong, Mark and Jaehyun, before finally coming back with the group as a whole. It was a little awkward, owing to the tension between most of the members, but Johnny had managed to force them to sort it out. He’d explained the situation from his end properly, knowing that the members only knew bits and pieces from what they’d worked out, and there was a little crying party of sorts. Johnny smiled a little as he recalled that day. He was glad that everything was out in the open. No more secrets, no more fights, no more arguments.

“Hmm.” Johnny jerked out of his trance at the doctor’s sound.

“What does that mean?” he asked nervously. Taeil squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Is it good?”

The doctor smiled, gently pushing Johnny’s foot one way and then the other. “Very good, Mr Seo.” Johnny smiled in relief. “You’ve been following orders, I see.”

“Thanks to my brothers.” The doctor smiled as he glanced between Taeil and Lucas and back to Johnny. 

“Very good.”

“So...am I allowed to dance now?”

The doctor nodded. “Yes, but you really need to be careful. For the next two days, your ankle will be stiff. It might swell again, but if it does, just put ice on it. No more than 2-3 hours at a time, ok?” He glared at the three of them to emphasise his point. “If you overexert it, you’re putting yourself at risk of permanent injury. You’re only at the start of your career, Mr Seo. You want to cherish this for a long time coming.” Johnny nodded, gently slipping on his sock and slipping his foot back into his trainer. 

“Thank you, Doctor.” The moment he left the office, Johnny whooped in delight, jumping up. “I’m cured!” he yelled. 

“Careful!” Taeil laughed, steadying Johnny. “You just left the office, you don’t want to end up back in there again!”

“Come on hyung, buy us food to celebrate!” Lucas latched onto Johnny’s arm. Johnny grinned so wide he thought his face would split into two. 

“Let’s go, bro.”  

  


**Author's Note:**

> As usual, thanks for reading! ILY guys lots <3  
> Follow me on twt @pcyjunguwudays - I've started a Crack AU lol so if you wanna check that out,,,it's there uwu  
> See you guys soon uwu


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